Last night I got about 4 minutes in modified reverse Sleep Position. It’s my favourite, but sorenson’s least loved sleep position. I get to be flat on my tummy and she has to try to fit around the sharp angles of my right shoulder and elbow. She ended up falling asleep while we were in Sleep Position (standard), but I couldn’t as it was so hot, and I was feeling anxious and sick of the two week wait. I hoped for a soothing snorey buzz to lull me off to sleep, but she was completely silent.
For months, I’ve been desperately hoping to feel breast tenderness during the two week wait, so much so that my body has accommodated by gaining weight, thus giving me very sore breasts from the moment of ovulation and for the next two weeks. Bummer.
Sorenson reckons I am the catchiest person she knows. I caught hayfever from my first partner, and astigmatism from a housemate. Without fail, I catch hunger about ten minutes after I hear a hungry moany grizzle. With such a suggestible brain and body, why have I not caught a baby!? I’ve even caught some breastmilk from random lactating women…(I’m a midwife)…
We’ve tried everything short of yanking out my egg and smooshing it with the sperm, so that is where we are now headed.
Mum has been surprisingly good. She’s come a long way in twelve months – from saying she doesn’t want to be a grandmother (she’ll be the only living grandparent), to asking fascinatingly relevant questions like – at what exact temperature are frozen embryos stored?
My mum, the musician.
plagiarised (and edited) from an email to a good friend - may as well recycle good words, i say!
***
the critical thing about this infertility is that the repeated disappointment month after month is really really hard. and it just gets harder, each time. we do do things that make ourselves feel better/vaguely sane, it’s just that these aren’t things that are traditionally regarded as ‘fun’ - socialising, going out etc. those things have always been mixed bags for me - sometimes really fun, sometimes just hard work, usually a combination of the two. it’s maybe harder than people think to be around others and enjoy stuff *despite* lack of pregnancy - it’s definitely on the hard work side of socialising rather than the fun side. so we concentrate on doing things that make us feel better, but don’t necessarily involve other people! like watching movies, going out for dinner, and working on the house and in the garden.
i also don’t think i can fully explain the depth of longing and disappointment in all of this. it is especially hard for bean, who has wanted to start a family for as long as she can remember. i cope a little bit better because it is all still a bit new and exciting and terrifying, but the disappointment for me each month is still keen, and seeing bean so sad and not being able to do anything much to cheer her up is heartbreaking.
i guess i am just trying to say it is a *really big deal*, and while the ways that we are coping with it are maybe not the ways that other people think we should, ultimately we have to do what works for us, regardless of what other people think (a rather new experience for me!). i feel bad that a few times now i’ve had to cancel social events that have fallen on period due dates - it has been terrible planning on my part, as well as a fair bit of bad luck. we are still pretty sociable and happy in between times!
i really want my friends to understand how big this is, what an enormous life change it is, how hard it is to cope when it’s not working out, how full on and crazy and beautiful and terrifying it will be when it does happen…and i want them to be supportive without being judgmental (at least not to my face!).
so, no, we’re not terribly ok, but it’s ok that we’re not ok if that makes sense! that is, we are dealing with it, clumsily and messily, but we’ll make it through…
i’m slowly working this out. any day now there will be regular posts and everything!
