baybeasts

It seems our desperate efforts to manifest a child have come to fruition! Sort of. We feel very proud. She’s a quiet baby and slept straight through the night. We are worried she may have some birth trauma after seeing us accidentally put a pitchfork through a few of her siblings.

Our vege garden is a constant source of delight.

In other food news… I have finally made something carob-y that stubbie loves. I guess I cheated because if you put enough butter, sugar and sour cream in something, you can get away with anything. She is now saying she only hates SOLID carob, so I still have some work to do.

Carob Muffins

1 cup self-raising flour (half plain, half wholemeal)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup carob powder
125g softened butter
3/4 cup raw sugar
2 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup sour cream (or yoghurt)

Beat butter and sugar together til light and fluffy. Beat in the eggs. Stir in dry ingredients. Add sour cream and vanilla and mix thoroughly.

Scoop into muffin tray and bake at 175˚C for 15 mins (check with skewer). Cool for 5 mins before turning out onto wire rack.

Despite a joint ruling that there would be no birthday presents this year as we are madly trying to save $4000 for first ivf attempt, sorenson bought me this beautiful japanese ceramic teapot, with all important insert for tea leaves.

It came with this letter.

Situations when Sorenson and Bean might need a good cup of tea:

I’m very sorry if I’ve ever been der with people who have been going through a really hard time. This is a steep learning curve for me too. I always thought that offering platitudes would make my friend/acquaintance feel reassured. Not so, I find. Platitudes make the person saying them feel better, and the other (infertile) person feel nothing, or feel worse. I understand that the intent is good. There are widespread popular myths around infertility, and not one single person who is having trouble conceiving has escaped ‘just relax’. It is not a novel suggestion, and has no basis in medical fact. It’s a very rare woman who is so stressed that she actually stops ovulating. Studies have not shown that women who are worried about their infertility are impeding their chances of getting pregnant.

We had a classic “But have you tried…” from an old family friend recently. She looked so dismayed when I talked about starting IVF, that I almost felt sorry for her. She then came up with all the typical ‘assvice’ in the book. One we cherished was… “But have you been to see a naturopath ? There’s a really really really good one I heard about. She’s getting incredibly good results. Um… I think she’s in Melbourne, but I can’t remember her name”.

Finally, here are some ideas for helpful things to say to someone struggling with infertility…
‘I’m so sorry you are having such a crap time’
‘I hope this next time is the one. I really hope you have good news soon’

NO-ONE can promise me that I will have a baby.
Nevertheless, we are optimistic about IVF, and know that we have as good a chance as any.
(For a very funny look at unhelpful suggestions, check out this infertility ’study’).

We went for our biennial haircut today. Apparently the super toxic anti-dandruff shampoo I’ve been using is not so great for my hair. My hair, I learnt, is in need of protein and uv protection. I had visions of meat on my head, and managed to get out of there without buying any products. Phew.

I’m feeling pretty blue. I was hoping to have another shot at getting pregnant this month by trying IUI (intra-uterine insemination). It’s where the semen is ‘washed’ and sperm alone is injected (by doctor) straight into the uterus - saving it from the deadly, acidic vagina. This would have given me a pretty reasonable chance - maybe even better than shooting up at home with the fresh stuff… Sadly, our friendly doctor was unable to help. Although he can bypass the dodgy Victorian ART laws (no medical help to single women/lesbians) to get us onto IVF, for some reason he can’t safely (legally) do IUI. There must be some strange loophole.

No-one has been pregnant at work for at least two years. Now of course, three women are heavily pregnant. I am managing to speak politely, but came close to a hard shove when they pulled out the scales and compared pregnancy weight gains. I’m feeling high irritation with their dreamy belly-rubbing, back-grabbing presence. Hopefully I won’t be too bitter and twisted by the time we succeed.

I’m not yet cranky around new babies.
Lucky.

i just spent about two hours of taxpayer’s money painstakingly tweaking the xml files for this blog. i don’t know xml. i really ought to learn, because trial and error is really only fun for a little while. and really, the results are patchy at best - i managed to move some stuff around and add in the odd page, but it’s not like i’ve revolutionised the design!

last night bean and i decided that the word to describe the way we are feeling at the moment is ‘malaise’. the biggest surprise for me is how much it is affecting my relationship to my job. i love my job - i get paid a very reasonable amount of money to think about interesting things and talk to interesting people. but the last few weeks i am feeling a distinct lack of, well, i hate to use the word motivation but there it is, i am lacking motivation. it’s not like i have nothing to do - it’s just that i can’t be arsed doing it. i’m not even going to tell you what i do instead - i don’t want to upset the hard-working tax payers among you (including bean). (hint: see previous paragraph.)

i am just waiting for it all to come crashing down. with any luck, there will be other things to distract me if and when it does. more likely, i will accomplish a lot of work in a short time and no one will be any the wiser (except for you, dear reader).

It’s amazing how enjoyable life is when you’re not stuck in the hellish two week wait! We’ve had a lovely weekend. We learnt how to play backgammon over my mouth watering Thai chicken salad, and had cocktails tested on us by our lovely friends S and K. Guilt-free grog tastes better. Today was filled with trips to the library, shops, local pool and a visit to our chickens (housed with S & K). Sorenson is currently concocting (home grown) apricot jam as well as oven baked snapper with roast vegies for dinner. All of the vegies are from our garden – parsnips, carrots, onions, potato and beetroot. Yum.

I’ve borrowed 5 books from the library – mostly about the mechanics of infertility treatment (I rejected another 4 books that were 15-20 years old!). I’m really craving personal stories though. There are two blogs that I have found incredibly helpful. The archives are worth checking out: So Close and A Little Pregnant. Luckily, they both have kids now and correspondingly little sleep. I hope our trip into IV Festy turns out to be less horrific.

I’ve been having bad dreams about babies. Usually, someone is trying to take our baby away from us, or has succeeded. I won’t feel really OK until our donor and his wife (D & W !) have signed the consent for IVF. It was such a shock to learn that they have ethical issues about frozen embryos. We had mentioned IVF in our parenting agreement, but clearly in not enough detail. I’m so angry with our IVF company for not giving us any warning that D & W would have to sign yet another (but all new) consent form. We had been through this process twelve months ago when they consented to D.I.Y. insemination. We thought that the consent would cover a move to IVF, and not our IVF Doctor, nor IVF nurse, nor IVF counsellor told us any different til it was too late to get it. (D & W have gone on a long holiday).

Such a bugger.

Still… no two week wait (i.e. potential pregnancy) means complete freedom to have

a drink
hot baths
sex
orgasms any old where
caffeine
gross amounts of sugar
hair washing with the most toxic anti-dandruff shampoo available
a coughing fit without worrying I have dislodged the few vital cells

we are in limbo. it’s very strange - choosing to take a break would be fine, great, a relief even. but having a break foist upon us is disappointing, frustrating and difficult.

our ivf company (and i will call them a company - clinic implies impartial medical help; company highlights the primacy of making a buck out of us) has been unhelpful, to say the least. we asked for a last minute change to the plan - to replace the first stage of a long down regulated cycle with a simple donor intra-uterine insemination. it seemed a pretty straightforward request to us. in response we’ve had lies, evasion, and a counsellor who, while lovely, doesn’t actually seem to know anything about ivf. nobody knows what anyone else does, and the accounts people slap a huge random fee onto every new procedure. the staff are like little animals who have their well-trodden paths through the forest that connect with each other only at designated glens and hollows, and when you ask them to deviate ever so slightly from the routine they freak out and can’t cope. it’s crazy.

but these are the people who will hopefully help us have a baby, so we have to play nice. the power of the medical institution…

in the meantime, there are good things. we have started eating the first corn from the garden - bliss! - and the indian minah devils have been wreaking less havoc since everything has grown up a bit. there are enough veges in the garden that i can almost construct a whole meal out of home-grown produce. my idea of heaven…

tagged by sOmetim3s

Listening to:
electrelane
she will have her way - songs of tim and neill finn

Favourite films of 2005
Serenity
Thumbsucker

Favourite TV series
(remember we didn’t have a tv for much of this year)
Firefly
Veronica Mars

What’s in / What’s out
home/smoky clubs
tv/fantasy of tv-free life
home grown vegies/cheap takeaway
politics/academia