baybeasts

We had a big day in the garden yesterday, spreading around worm poo and blood and bone and seasol, planting out ‘megapunnets’ of pansies and primulas around the borders of the vegie garden (to try and stop the mynahs tossing the mulch over the brick edgings into the paths), pricking out columbine and lawn daisy and parsley and carrot seedlings, and planting the first round of spring/summer seeds in seedling trays in the greenhouse. It was divine, but there is still a fair bit more to go - we have to thin the onions, and plant out a bay tree, a daphne and two blueberry bushes.

It was so lovely to just be in the garden. The sun was warm enough to wear a singlet top for the first time since winter began (as long as I kept moving) and I could almost feel the vitamin D soaking into my brain and blasting away some of the S.A.D. induced blues. Highlights of the garden at the moment include the progeny of last year’s radicchio that I let go to seed (it was so pretty - blue daisy-like flowers that just went on and on and on), which have miraculously developed perfect hearts! I want to let them go to seed because they were just so pretty last time, but we have a wonderful recipe for pumpkin, feta and radicchio salad so I will have to harvest at least some of it (and if the recipe is as good as it sounds I will post it here later). There are jonquils and daffodils scattered randomly everywhere, and the sweet peas are making their way up a trellis of old screen doors, and the poppies and snapdragons are covered in buds. The bare-rooted roses we bought about a month ago are covered in tiny shoots and the plum tree is about to burst into fluffy white glory.

Loyal readers (if there are any of you left), we realise we have let the blog slip badly, so we’ve made a pinky promise to update every day on alternate days. It’s cheesy, but maybe it will work. We just haven’t had much fertility related news, and not much other good news either - life isn’t bad, it just kind of is, which is pretty boring to write about. But then again, there are things that totally move us to excitement like great TV shows (current favourites are Battlestar Galactica and Deadwood) and gardening and food, so we will broaden the focus and hope that eventually some baby news materialises.

Nine months ago, when I took this job, I promised myself that in nine months time I would start looking for another job. The problem is that now that I am here, I don’t want to leave, but I still want to make that next step up to better work, better pay and better status. I have had two really great opportunities in the last month, but for different reasons I have missed out on both of them. This is upsetting me much more than it should. After all, I have a great job – it is interesting (mostly), the colleagues are great, there are chances for me to do meaningful work that requires careful thinking and writing, and the pay is pretty good. But still I can’t let go of that idea that by now I should be moving forward faster than I am.

I have two choices – I can stay here and make the best of the work that I have, or I can start applying for jobs elsewhere. It is completely clear to me that I will choose the former. I am just too comfortable here to leave, especially with the added burden of IVF stress. But in order to make this work I need a radical shift in attitude and behaviour. It is time to get really serious about my work – to be self-motivated and productive instead of noodling around waiting to be told what to do. There is only one good reason for doing this. It is not out of any sense of responsibility to my employer – I feel very little, especially in the face of repeated rejection for better jobs. It is because I feel so goddamn miserable when I am so bored.

So this blog entry is a way of publicly stating my intentions to actually put some effort into work. I’ll start by making a list of things that I can do with little boxes next to the items so I can tick them off when they are done - always very satisfying. I’ll report back with my progress in several weeks.

Update

I wrote a list, and so far I’ve managed to tick off two things. It’s a start. Two hours until I can go home…

period came
doctor david is back
new 2 month stim cycle has now begun

we are feeling quite hopeful

snowdrops and tulips are starting to grow

Our 5th transfer (which was with the substitute doctor) was much better than the visit we’d had with her last week where she shoved the dildocam inside me while we were attempting to negotiate details of the transfer.
It was mostly painless (although the speculum pinched hurtily), and luckily no embryo travelled back in the catheter.
We’ve now had 7 embryos popped in through the cervix (NOT implanted as newspapers report!) but we are not very hopeful as the best ones were used up at the start. It just feels like we are going through the motions (and paying very large amounts of money to the IVF company) until we are able to go through another 2 month stimulated cycle.
It’s all incredibly emotionally painful.
I have almost completely lost my sense of humour.
Sorry.

We have been blessed by the production of several good TV dramas, and the one keeping us afloat at the moment is Battlestar Gallactica. Go Starbuck. Through the magic of the internet (thanks A and A!), we are in the middle of watching Season 2 and it is just excellent.

I’m having an unusual week at work doing nursing student facilitation which is novel and a little stressful because I’m so rule bendy and scared I won’t be able to show them the right way to do things.

After five years of having a mobile phone, I’ve had my first text message from my mother. It was a momentous occasion. She had bought the phone when I was distraught after the break-up of my last (four year) relationship, but she never got around to connecting it. Better late than never?

Despite the strange and unusual horribleness of IVF, my relationship with S is in great form. I am feeling very proud of us and also our dear friends R and A who have just celebrated their 11 year anniversary(steel!).

It isn’t easy. We’ve only made it through 3 and a bit years and already we feel nostalgia for the passionate falling-in-lust sex and the amazing high that you ride until your partner becomes a real person replete with flaws and bad smells. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t trade what we have for anything. That high is just too short and fickle compared with the enduring closeness and knowledge we now have of each other.

Tonight’s dinner is tandoori (free range) chicken and (mum’s recipe) blancmange with prunes and pears stewed in marsala. yum.