Nine months ago, when I took this job, I promised myself that in nine months time I would start looking for another job. The problem is that now that I am here, I don’t want to leave, but I still want to make that next step up to better work, better pay and better status. I have had two really great opportunities in the last month, but for different reasons I have missed out on both of them. This is upsetting me much more than it should. After all, I have a great job – it is interesting (mostly), the colleagues are great, there are chances for me to do meaningful work that requires careful thinking and writing, and the pay is pretty good. But still I can’t let go of that idea that by now I should be moving forward faster than I am.
I have two choices – I can stay here and make the best of the work that I have, or I can start applying for jobs elsewhere. It is completely clear to me that I will choose the former. I am just too comfortable here to leave, especially with the added burden of IVF stress. But in order to make this work I need a radical shift in attitude and behaviour. It is time to get really serious about my work – to be self-motivated and productive instead of noodling around waiting to be told what to do. There is only one good reason for doing this. It is not out of any sense of responsibility to my employer – I feel very little, especially in the face of repeated rejection for better jobs. It is because I feel so goddamn miserable when I am so bored.
So this blog entry is a way of publicly stating my intentions to actually put some effort into work. I’ll start by making a list of things that I can do with little boxes next to the items so I can tick them off when they are done - always very satisfying. I’ll report back with my progress in several weeks.
Update
I wrote a list, and so far I’ve managed to tick off two things. It’s a start. Two hours until I can go home…
