baybeasts

Bean says she doesn’t want to write on the blog anymore. I think it has been infected with the taint of failure. The same thing happens with anything that is associated with infertility for us. When we first started trying, we decided that we would do something nice each month to try and make up for the disappointment of a failed cycle, and being us, that something nice involved dinners out at lovely restaurants. After a few months though, the glorious flavours of fine dining turned to ashes in our mouths, as eating out became associated with the dry, grey taste of disappointment. We stopped marking the arrival of bean’s period with anything other than hot water bottles and a visit to the DVD shop.

Now the blog has become a litany of failed attempts and sadness, so that is boring to write and probably even more boring to read. We don’t have the biting wit of Akeeyu or Julie, or the warmth of a Tertia or a Julia, and we can’t think of anything interesting to say about the world like Az or Ange or Nix can, because our world has become so small. So the easiest thing to do seems to be to just give it up.

But somehow, I expect that I will still post every now and then, even if bean doesn’t. Sometimes I like to have a semi-public place to ramble, even if I don’t have much to say.

The guard is changing in another way too. We have decided that, given my age and our frustration with not having managed to produce a baby yet, that I will start trying now too. I’ll start the old-fashioned lesbian way, with furtive exchanges of jars of sperm (thanks R!). Hopefully my ‘legendary’ fertility will step up to the plate and a syringe and a prayer will be enough to get me pregnant. Wish me luck – I certainly need it. A good dose of hope (a scarce commodity when infertility is around) wouldn’t go astray either.