baybeasts

I can’t believe how hard it is to do things that require thought. I had planned to journal and blog everything about these early days and weeks, but the best I can do is take photos and try to stay afloat. I have been sadly surprised that being a midwife has not made this job any easier. My midwife brain flew out the window not long after his birth, and was replaced by a teary, tired, and shocked new mother. It’s the most difficult thing we’ve ever done - compounded by the three sleepless nights we had before he was born. This experience has forever changed the way I will look at postnatal women and their families, and I’m certain that the way I work with women will be so much improved.

On a more positive note - we got a three hour stretch of sleep last night for the first time, and that felt wonderful! He is feeding well and gaining weight and generally being a pretty easy baby to look after. I felt a little bit sad when his cord stump fell off at 4 days - quite early it seemed. He changes so quickly, and the days pass by in such a fast blur of getting nothing done, that I’m worried I will blink and miss everything. (Luckily, I have the very slow-moving nights to keep everything balanced).
It has been really lovely to see him in the clothes that S lovingly made for him over the years we were trying to get pregnant…

knitted red hat…

bum jumper…

pre-smile!

we are hoping he will love reading as much as we do…

It’s been two and a half days almost exactly since our little fellow was born. And I don’t know if it’s me, or if the world has changed, but this morning I went outside to let out the chooks and everything was rimed with white, the first real frost of the year; the morning was outlined clear and intense and I felt overwhelmed by the beauty of it all. I have felt exhilaration before, but never quite like this. When I came back in I held him for a minute, and he looked into my eyes with his wide dark unfocused gaze and then I looked at bean and my heart is still quivering with the love that flowed between the three of us.

My two favourite people are now sleeping in the lounge - one on the couch (quietly), one on the floor (noisy with grunts and squeals) in a bassinet. We are all so tired - this parenting thing is such a steep learning curve, on so little sleep. Everything feels surreal. Things I have learnt in the last few days include:

- how to change a cloth nappy in under 15 minutes
- that commercial baby clothes don’t fit over cloth nappies
- that high pitched squealing exactly like a guinea pig is just our little fellow’s way of talking to us, not a sign that he is in desperate pain
- that babies can create a dutch oven in the bed to rival any adult
- how to not be in the same room as him, even though it feels like being separated from my daemon
- how even more magnificent and beautiful bean is than I already thought
- that even when you think you have prepared as much as possible, there are some things that cannot be prepared for
- that I have more to learn and be humbled by than I ever imagined

I have also discovered that our little fellow loves to be read and sung to. This morning I sang him fragments of Beatle’s songs, and then I recited my favourite poem, by Yeats.

He wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread upon my dreams.

We are thrilled to announce that our son (formerly known as B1) was born at 8.08pm on the 19th of July (four hours off his due date!) at the Royal Women’s Hospital. It was a long, difficult labour, but the outcome was fantastic - normal birth (no tears!) and most importantly of all, a beautiful, healthy little boy weighing 3.47kg (7 pounds 10):


Bean and son are both very well, and we were able to go home 3 hours after he was born, when we took this photo:

Here he is, about 12 hours old - despite standard disclaimer of bias we think he is just about the cutest baby ever (and hairy!):

Thanks to all our friends and family for your support over the last few years, with a special shout-out to those of you in blogland who will never know how much your presence has helped us. We will continue to draw on your love and strength and advice as we feel our way into parenthood.

When bean and I talked about when I should finish up work, I said - I don’t mind if you go early, but it would be nice to have a week together before the baby comes.

And so we have. It’s been a strange week - a bit like being on holidays, except instead of impending return to desk job and working for other people, I am instead waiting for the biggest job of my life to start, working for my own family. It has been a lovely week too. We have kept busy with shopping and crafting and walking and gardening and admiring the chickens and cooking and seeing people. We’re in limbo - all plans are provisional, every twinge is something to talk about (we even had a false alarm when we went to see the new Harry Potter movie), but nothing much is changing. The days are blurring into each other and time is in slow motion, and it’s hard to believe that some day soon there will actually be a baby, our baby that will be with us all the time.

It’s even harder to believe that in spring there will be two - and as my 24 week picture shows, it is still well hidden!

There is no way a casual acquaintance or stranger would risk asking if I am pregnant. B2 is very much present though - bean has been getting regular kicks against her bottom as we spoon at night, and if I sit or lie in a position that cramps B2’s style I soon find out about it.

It’s actually a nice day outside today for the first time in weeks, so I’m off now to plant broccoli and onion seedlings, and broad beans and sweet peas. The garden has been so sadly neglected - it feels great to give it some love again.

For those of you who are interested in my ongoing hair dilemma, it has finally been resolved. I went to the hairdresser today, and now I look something like this:

I thought there might be some sadness about losing the long hair, or that I might feel a bit weird looking at myself in the mirror, or that bean might get a big shock when she saw me. But none of that happened. I simply feel like me again, and bean agrees that I look like me again too. I feel spunky for the first time since I started growing my hair three years ago! It makes me realise how all that long hair was weighing me down in more ways than one.

And it feels especially nice that I got it done on the first official day of babymoon 2007 - a very symbolic act to mark a very important transition.

We got two more hand knitted jumpers in the mail today from my great aunt Dot, who I hardly know. She is the country-living sister of the Best Grandmother Ever™, however I wasn’t expecting a letter as nice as this along with the present…

Dear bean and S,

Just to wish you both all the best for the future with your little family. What a good idea having the babies so close together - they will be great mates and you can share the babysitting (and the feeding?). Three of my grandchildren were very close together and they often got fed by the wrong mum if mum was held up and they were hungry. Hope everything goes well for you both.

Love from Dot.

It has been an odd couple of weeks in this body. I have been feeling more teary, and juicy, and sexy even(!) My right hand/arm has puffed up and keeps going numb - very annoying when I am trying to type or fall asleep. Actually, falling asleep is not happening properly anyway. I lie there wide awake, not feeling anxious about anything - just awake. I have finally been able to reach my cervix - just - but there’s nothing interesting happening there yet. B1 is not tightly wedged in my pelvis. Sometimes the head is very low, but other times it comes up and tilts to the right. I am getting more and more braxton hicks contractions that have an ache to them, but not for longer than a couple of hours at a time.

Because I have the deepest belly button of doom, there has been no popping outtage, and in fact, I still couldn’t tell you where it ends…

And lastly, I am getting something I have been waiting for with such keen anticipation… I am finally feeling little kicks on my back and bottom from B2, when S and I snuggle up to sleep at night. B2 will be 23 weeks on Monday, and S is getting such a lovely little round tummy. This is the calm before the storm, and we are loving it!