Our midwife (who also doubles as our hero and saviour) keeps asking me how B2 is going, and I keep vaguely replying ‘oh, good, I suppose, wriggles a bit, tummy seems to be sticking out a bit more’. And last time I gave that reply she laughed and told me that I am having the experience of a second-time mum, one who doesn’t have the time or energy to think much about their current pregnancy as they are so caught up in looking after the children they already have.
It’s so true. And it’s kinda cool actually. Physically, I feel the best that I have throughout this whole pregnancy (sleep deprivation and heart-burn aside), and I don’t actually know if that’s because I just feel good, being in the second trimester and all, or if I am just so distracted that I don’t have time to notice all the various annoying things my body might be doing.
Emotionally, I feel more relaxed about B2 than I think I have at any other time. Since our little fellow arrived, I have understood how having a baby makes love multiply, and I am excited about a further expansion to the love in my life. That vague sense of fear about creating a baby with my genes is still there, but muted by the loveliness that is a tiny baby - I know that we will both love B2 with all our hearts, just as we love B1.
Bean is the nick-name coiner in our household - I’ve always been terrible at it. Lately she has taken to calling B2 ‘Tootle’ and it has stuck - it’s so cute! Today I felt Tootle hiccup for the first time, and because we could feel where the hiccups were, we had a rough idea where the heart would be - sure enough, when bean pressed her ear to my tummy she was able to tap out the quick tattoo of Tootle’s heartbeat on my chest, for the first time. It was just so lovely to have a moment of connecting with the little baby inside of me in the midst of our first-child craziness!
Our midwife also says that Tootle will be easier, because we will have a much better idea of what to expect. I hope she is right…my rough calculation is that it won’t be twice as hard to have two, it’ll be more like 1.5 times as hard, because there will be a whole lot of stuff that we’ve already worked out (like how to change a nappy in under 15 minutes, and how to adapt to new kinds of cry without thinking that we’ve broken the baby).
There’s a whole lot of other stuff going on too - bean’s family is visiting, which is overwhelming, and making me have all kinds of protective defensive reactions. I never thought I would identify with the ‘other mummy’ stuff because we would both be bio mummies together, the way we’ve planned it, and once they are both here with sharing breastfeeding and care the biological origin of each child will be less important. But in this small window of time before Tootle, I am feeling the full force of family not really understanding how we are both parents in this together - our little fellow is as much my child as bean’s, but because I didn’t birth him and I am not breastfeeding him I feel have to defend this title of ‘parent’ like a lioness. It makes for not smooth sailing with in-laws, but I expect that is not too unusual! Poor bean though, having to cope with my freak-outs AND her family…
But I should stop with this emo blogging now. I have a sleeping baby on my chest and I should be taking advantage of such a lovely deep sleep to be getting some myself (I am on the graveyard shift, where sleep is precious).
I think the lioness comes out in all non bio mum’s, Well i know it did, and still does, with me! Owlies family are fantastic and wonderful but I still have moments of ‘cough, cough, hello I belong to this little person as well’ But it does get easier and less frequesnt as said little person gets older. She is the first to announce my presence and importance in her little life!
Comment by owl — August 7, 2007 @ 6:40 pm
the lioness thing sounds familiar! and in-laws are tricky at the best of times. my in-laws took a tonne of photos when we were in hospital. there were photos of everyone holding the baby, including the donor dad, except me. i think that sums up my in-law experience so far.
Comment by kristen — August 7, 2007 @ 8:09 pm
wow - that is sooo much worse than anything i have had to deal with. mostly what i am getting is this assumption that our little fellow is bean’s baby, and Tootle is my baby, as if we are two single mums who happen to live together. i died a little when bean’s grandmother (who is usually soooo onto it) said to me yesterday, after i had said how much i am in love with our little fellow, ‘wait until you have your baby!’ i was so upset. i could not love this baby more if i had grown him myself. but i am trying to be patient - this is all new for them, they have no reference point with which to understand it (one of the aunts is adopted and i have been gently pointing out that they would not think that her mum loved her any less because they were not biologically related - it’s a reference point that seems to help), and to give them credit, they are trying really hard to get it right.
Comment by baybeasts — August 9, 2007 @ 7:30 am
You know what’s odd? There are virtually no photos of me holding Seth in the photos from the early days - and I’m the bio mother! The first weeks are very very hard when it comes to negotiating this stuff and sometimes painful beyond measure on both sides, but I’ve found those things have nearly gone away from us now. It just takes time for everyone to adjust and settle and then it’s smoother sailing.
Comment by Mermaidgrrrl — August 12, 2007 @ 8:08 pm
yes, i understand the non bio mother thing- When we had H, our first I was fiercely claiming her as my child too when people asked if I was going to have one too or she looks just like S etc etc etc. So in an attempt to combat this I did a lot of the carrying her around more so than S. I also understand the being pregnant thing and having a baby as well as you both know. So much so that I have barely even noticed my pregnancy- but I imagine this would be the same if it were S having our third- it’s all about family life and having 2 under three is enough to distract anyone from the fact that they are pregnant I guess. What I am certain about it though is that I will definitely know all about being pregnant once I am in labour and about to all of a sudden not be anymore.
Comment by kate — August 13, 2007 @ 3:18 pm