baybeasts

It’s been hard to blog lately. All I am doing is whining and waiting.

This blog started as an infertility blog - it was a way for us to feel a bit more connected to the little corner of blogland devoted to infertility that helped us so much through some pretty rough times. So when all I really have to say is one big whinge about the end of pregnancy, I feel like this really isn’t the place to do it.

But now, I guess it has morphed into a lesbian parenting-type blog, or perhaps simply a way to keep friends up to date with our little family’s news. And so I figure it is better to write something than nothing. I also believe, and have for a long time, that life is very complex - it is possible to hold completely contradictory feelings in one’s heart at exactly the same time. That is, I can feel fed up with this pregnancy and weirded out by the uncomfortable squirming in my belly and pissed off with the sore hips and heartburn and pea-sized bladder and sinus headaches and insomnia (see I said I was full of whining), at exactly the same time that I am completely thrilled with this tiny creature inside me that so soon will make our family that little bit less tiny, and so much more full of love.

I know that as this is a first pregnancy I am likely to go into labour past my due date, but I keep hoping that Tootle will want to meet us sooner. It will be a double bonus when he or she is born - finally we’ll see Tootle’s face, and I won’t be pregnant any more. It is also a terrifying prospect - a newborn in the house when Loey still takes up such a lot of our energy and time. I just have to trust that energy and time will stretch, just as I know that love does.

There are a couple of questions that I keep being asked in these last few weeks, so I think I’ll answer them here as well.

1. Are you nervous about the labour?
You know, I am a bit scared, but not that much really. Mostly I feel settled - I feel like I have prepared as well as I possibly can, and that, more importantly, I have an amazing support team around me. I am really committed to giving it a good go at home, but I also have my priorities sorted such that if Tootle or I need the extra help I will feel fine about heading into the hospital. I am actually really looking forward to it because, as I said, it will mean that we finally get to meet Tootle, and that I won’t be pregnant any more. I am also looking forward to the experience itself - it feels like such a unique opportunity to really work hard and achieve something amazing. I hope that no matter how it turns out I will be very proud of myself.

2. Do you know what you are having?
I am always so tempted to answer this question by saying ‘a baby, I hope!’ But mostly I restrain myself because that is just rude. No, we don’t know if Tootle is a boy or a girl. But the pressure for a girl is intense - apparently bean’s grandmother is already knitting a pink jumper, and my cousin says she’ll just re-name Tootle with a girl’s name and treat him as such if he turns out to be a boy! I have always thought that I am having a girl, but that is because the only dream I ever had about this baby was about a girl baby, and because my family life so far has been so girl-centric (eldest daughter of eldest daughter, raised by a single mum, closest extended family all female as well etc) that I find it hard to imagine anything else. So the weight of all this is such that if Tootle is a boy, I think we’ll get a surprise. But honestly, I really don’t care either way. I might have at some point, but I have done a lot of thinking about the boy/girl thing and it ultimately seems like such a small part of who they will be - I care so much more about other things like their health and general personality than I do about their biological sex at birth. The only thing that was holding me back for a while was that bean and I had not been able to agree on a second boy’s name, but a couple of weeks ago we did some hard work and came up with something that we are both happy with, thank goodness.

So, enough of the whining. Now there is just waiting. Not that it is so hard when every day at home with bean and Loey is so precious - but that’s a topic for another blog post.